Anonymous asked: you are really pathetic
Oh, I know, anon. I know. I am very much aware of my situation, but have chosen to embrace it, rather than be ashamed of it, especially because I can’t afford the medical health I clearly need.
January102013
11AM
In New York, Evan brought up something I’d said in Jersey, saying, “I was thinking about what you said… it was really nice. It made me feel nice.” And for the life of me, at the time, I was having a hard time remembering what I said. I think it might have been… well.
I know that I was a sobbing mess when I was talking to him in Jersey, and he was like, “Don’t cry, don’t cry, what’s wrong?” And I said, “It’s just hard. It’s just so hard. These last years of my life have been spent waiting for you guys, for Steel Train to come back to me.”
And I’m certain that was it. And thinking back on it, I just… feel empty. I know all the guys are saying that it’s not the end, but until a new beginning is in sight, it FEELS like the end. I can make it through breaks between seasons for TV shows because I am told they’ve been renewed, they’re working on a new shows, the new episodes start again in Fall 2053 or whatever. I can live with that.
But Steel Train is just this big ball of uncertainty. It’s like a promised sequel to a movie that gets shelved, but they promise they’ll return to it later. You hope and hope and hope but until they AT LEAST start filming, you’re sitting there going, “Right, I’m sure that Loki spinoff is top priority.”
And that makes me sad. I’m not going to say that Steel Train saved my life in as much as “Bullet” ironically caused me to put down a gun, but… they made my life a LIFE. They gave me so much reason to live… not live vs die, but live vs exist. I can’t count how many stupid decisions I’ve made just to see Steel Train, but there’s not a single one I will ever regret. Not a single one. I threw myself into loving them with my whole heart and they responded by loving me back. They gave me a warm bed when I had none. They gave me transportation when I was lost. They took the time to not only know my birthday, but wish me a happy one. Time for waves and hugs and texts and love. I loved them and they loved me.
And now, even though I have plans to see 3 of them in the near future, it still… hurts. I still feel empty. And I feel weird for feeling that way.
10AM
I have the flu or something and it’s literally making thinking very difficult.
Like, I load up my RP sites to do something
and I look around
and I go, “Oh, I need to reply to…”
and then I close the tab because thinking starts hurting.
DAMNIT ME, GET BETTER.
9AM
Every morning when I wake up go to bed, I am greeted by pages and pages and pages of fun. pictures on my dash.
Jesus christ.
7AM
Jeff knew he loved me when he had a dream that I was giving a blowjob to another guy and it pissed him off.
Weeeeeee might need to think of another story to tell our children.
January82013
dogganghappened asked: idunno if you saw what i'd added to your post about ST,but, I love you because of it. you're so on point with it.
I love you, because you appreciate it. YOU’RE AWESOME!
8PM
STOP CALLING STEEL TRAIN JACK’S SIDE PROJECT. JUST STOP. fun. WAS HIS SIDE PROJECT. IT EXISTED AFTER THE FACT AND FAME DOES NOT MAKE ONE BAND THE MAIN AND ONE BAND THE SIDE. THE BREAK THAT STEEL TRAIN IS ON DOES NOT MAKE IT UNIMPORTANT.
8AM
Jon and Justin both said its not the end and there’ll be more shows. I’m holding them to that.
Daniel said they were working on a new album in 2011 and we see what happened there, so let’s just wait.
